And God said "Wait"
So heres the newest update. It doesn't take much to figure out that we hit our first stand still...our first waiting period...the first " please hold" moment....our first..whatever you want to call it.
As most of you know, we met with Heather for the first time on December 18th and things seemed good. We had set up to do our individual meetings on January 22nd and thought we'd be procedding to do our homestudy and start our family profile, etc. We had even begun buying some small things for the baby and brought home baby things that my mom had for us. Well things don't always go as planned.
I got an email from Heather on January 6th, saying she had gotten a chance to look through our file and had some concerns but didn't say what. I started freaking out and so did Matt. I emailed her and asked her what to expect and she didn't get back to me right away. It wasn't until Matt called her that she emailed me back. She stated that her and her supervisor had some concerns and wanted to talk through with them. (Okay, so here I am completly thinking that they are going to tell us no and my dreams of being a mother felt like they were being smashed to a billion pieces. That night I was in tears from the time I came home, until I went to sleep. Matt even held me crying and helped me through a panic attack.) Matt called her and asked if we could do it over the phone instead of making what we thought would have been an extra trip down there.
We waited another 7 days before we got to talk to heather about what she was concerned about. Talk about nerve wracking. It was all I could think about..day, night, sun up to sun down. I could be at work with 20 preschools running around going crazy and I was thinking about every possible senerio that could go on.
The day finally came...January 13th. That day was the slowest day EVER! Once I got home, Matt and I went in our room, and got ready to call. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking...okay I don't EVER get that nervous about ANYTHING (except public speaking). Heather talked to us about what was worrying her which was mostly finances and some other things. At the end of the talk, Heather told us that they were going to disservice us (ugh!) but that she felt better after talking to us and gave us a couple different options.
After talking with her, Matt, myself and Heather all agreed that it'd be best in the long run, financially, that we put the adoption on hold and get some of our debt paid off before going through with it.
Matt seemed cool with the idea and I tried to be strong and play it off like I was good to go too. But I wasn't. I was shocked, hurt, and 100 percent completly confused. I almost felt like God was leaving me on the side of the road and telling me "good luck kid." I was mad at him. I didn't understand why God was letting this happen. Even though I knew that it was for the better, I was pitching a fit. I couldn't wrap my mind around that fact that God was letting this happen for whatever reason and I hated it. I fought God for days, often crying on my way to work while listening to worship music. To add salt to the wound, I heard about many people in my life that are pregnant or just had a baby. Every time I heard of a new pregnancy, I was like when will it be our turn. Why them? What did I do that your making us go through this? As much as I wanted to pull away from God, I made myself pull that much closer to him (if that makes sense.) I know my heavenly father is a big God, and he could handle my anger towards him and still love me anyway. After a few days, my anger and hurt subsided and I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
When we are finanically ready to adopt a baby, it will be in God's timing. I don't like being told to wait when I want something so bad, but I will. I will still worship God while I'm waiting. I will use this time of waiting, to draw closer to him, and to love on the children that God has put in my life already. Heck, I have 10 beautiful babies to love on for 40 hours a week at work!
It's still not easy and I still think about that converstation and I try to scheme of how to pay things down fast. But God will have it happen when he's ready. All the tears, anger, hurt, confusion, etc will be totally worth it when we have a baby smiling back at us!
As most of you know, we met with Heather for the first time on December 18th and things seemed good. We had set up to do our individual meetings on January 22nd and thought we'd be procedding to do our homestudy and start our family profile, etc. We had even begun buying some small things for the baby and brought home baby things that my mom had for us. Well things don't always go as planned.
I got an email from Heather on January 6th, saying she had gotten a chance to look through our file and had some concerns but didn't say what. I started freaking out and so did Matt. I emailed her and asked her what to expect and she didn't get back to me right away. It wasn't until Matt called her that she emailed me back. She stated that her and her supervisor had some concerns and wanted to talk through with them. (Okay, so here I am completly thinking that they are going to tell us no and my dreams of being a mother felt like they were being smashed to a billion pieces. That night I was in tears from the time I came home, until I went to sleep. Matt even held me crying and helped me through a panic attack.) Matt called her and asked if we could do it over the phone instead of making what we thought would have been an extra trip down there.
We waited another 7 days before we got to talk to heather about what she was concerned about. Talk about nerve wracking. It was all I could think about..day, night, sun up to sun down. I could be at work with 20 preschools running around going crazy and I was thinking about every possible senerio that could go on.
The day finally came...January 13th. That day was the slowest day EVER! Once I got home, Matt and I went in our room, and got ready to call. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking...okay I don't EVER get that nervous about ANYTHING (except public speaking). Heather talked to us about what was worrying her which was mostly finances and some other things. At the end of the talk, Heather told us that they were going to disservice us (ugh!) but that she felt better after talking to us and gave us a couple different options.
After talking with her, Matt, myself and Heather all agreed that it'd be best in the long run, financially, that we put the adoption on hold and get some of our debt paid off before going through with it.
Matt seemed cool with the idea and I tried to be strong and play it off like I was good to go too. But I wasn't. I was shocked, hurt, and 100 percent completly confused. I almost felt like God was leaving me on the side of the road and telling me "good luck kid." I was mad at him. I didn't understand why God was letting this happen. Even though I knew that it was for the better, I was pitching a fit. I couldn't wrap my mind around that fact that God was letting this happen for whatever reason and I hated it. I fought God for days, often crying on my way to work while listening to worship music. To add salt to the wound, I heard about many people in my life that are pregnant or just had a baby. Every time I heard of a new pregnancy, I was like when will it be our turn. Why them? What did I do that your making us go through this? As much as I wanted to pull away from God, I made myself pull that much closer to him (if that makes sense.) I know my heavenly father is a big God, and he could handle my anger towards him and still love me anyway. After a few days, my anger and hurt subsided and I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
When we are finanically ready to adopt a baby, it will be in God's timing. I don't like being told to wait when I want something so bad, but I will. I will still worship God while I'm waiting. I will use this time of waiting, to draw closer to him, and to love on the children that God has put in my life already. Heck, I have 10 beautiful babies to love on for 40 hours a week at work!
It's still not easy and I still think about that converstation and I try to scheme of how to pay things down fast. But God will have it happen when he's ready. All the tears, anger, hurt, confusion, etc will be totally worth it when we have a baby smiling back at us!
I hate the word 'concern' too. My panic flashers go on, like someone is about to accuse me of something, and I hate that feeling. I would feel the same way you did in those moments. I know you have a lot of confusion, I know I would - it's hard to see moms on welfare, etc. who can conceive no problem and people aren't telling to stop having babies. And then there's you - yes, maybe on the lower end of the financial totem pole, but certainly not in poverty - and completely willing to love a child for life - why can't you have it now?! I don't understand either. But we stand here with you guys, supporting you through this wait, and I believe God has something WAY better than you can ever imagine up His sleeve! Hopefully that will hold you for now. I bet in months and years to come when you look back on this, you'll see God there, 100%, and be glad for the journey He lead you on even if you didn't understand it at the time.
ReplyDeleteI just want to tell you both that I love you! I pray that everything will work out for you! This post has moved me so deeply, Christel. I don't have any idea what you are feeling about this particular instance, but I know how it is to be so angry about wanting something that is not in God's near future plans for you. It is great to have such a wonderful Father!! God is on your side. I will keep you in my prayers! Love,
ReplyDeleteSabrina