Fighting with God

As I said in my last post, God was working on my heart with a few things. The first and hardest thing that I had to surrender to him was the idea of being a mom to a new fresh out of the hospital just days old baby. I have always wanted to bring the baby home straight from the hospital. We learned that some people opt to put the baby in a foster home until the termination of rights court date. This usually happens several weeks after the baby is born. Matt shared on the way home, that this is something he would like to do. I know that Matt and I would be devestated if we brought baby home, cared and fell in love with him or her and then have the baby ripped out of our arms if the birth mom changes her mind or dad wants the baby. I really struggled with the idea of not getting the baby until a month or two after it was born. God really was gentle with me and showed me a lot of things through the infants I work with. The day after our meeting, it was really hard to be in there with the young babies. I kept looking at them, comparing their ages, sizes, etc. Its kinda hard to explain all that I was going through for a few days, but in the end, I'm okay with not getting to bring baby home until that court day, although it will be hard. Both for us and for the baby.

The second thing that God changed my heart on was the idea of a closed adoption. Matt and I watched an episode of 16 and Pregnant and the parents chose to give their daughter a better life and blessed a couple with the baby. They chose to have an open adoption. The episode showed what it is like for the birth parents to make that choice and go through with it. The show was about 45 minutes long and I cried for 30 minutes during the show and for about an hour after ward. Matt and I both agreed that we couldn't keep the birth mom wondering what her child is like. We will be chosing to do semi to fully open adoption. They will be blessing us with their child, the least we could do is let them be apart of the baby's life. Anyway, I have to get going back to work, I'll update more later!

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