A not so happy blog
I will try to write this as coherant as possible.
This week that started out so great with celebrating Jeremiah's first birthday has ended in many, many tears, fears, and prayers.
The beginning of the week started out fine. I was having a little cramping but thought nothing of it, since cramping is normal and I experienced it with Jeremiah. However, at times it was a little painful and felt like my period was going to start. On wednesday night, I just had a feeling something in me wasn't right. I didnt feel sick but felt very anxious. I put my worries aside and said some prayers. Thursday night (last night) I was getting ready to take a shower after Jeremiah had gone to sleep. I went to the bathroom and when I wiped, there was blood on the paper. I wasn't going to say anything, because once again, bleeding can be normal early on in pregnancy. I wiped again and there was more. I started to cry. I shut the water off and came back out to Matt and lost it. He immediately had my OB/GYN paged and she called me back. She was very cold on the phone and gave us no answers, she just said to drink water and rest. So I let the lady I babysit know I wouldnt be able to watch her son in the morning and tried to rest. The tears just flowed and flowed while Matt held me.
When I woke up in the morning I was super afraid to use the restroom. When I finally did, the paper was clear. So I thought maybe last night was just a fluke. Then I was just resting and felt trickling so I went and wiped and there was more blood. At this point it was just about 8:00 am so I called my doctors office and they had to talk with my doctor and call me back. Finally around 9:30 they called back and said to come in to do some blood work and then repeat it on monday. Jeremiah woke up and so we fed him a quick breakfast and Matt took me in to get the blood drawn.
The day went by slowly. I can't pick Jeremiah up and its so hard when hes pulling on my shirt saying mama. Matt will lift him up for me so I can cuddle him. I took a short nap out of pure exhaustion and woke at 2:30 or so. I hadn't heard back so I called them. My beta number was 150 which is consistent with a 3-5 week pregnancy. Once I sat down and figured out my dates, I put myself at 5 weeks but everything online dates me at 6 weeks 3 days. So now we sit and wait for monday's results. For everything to be okay, that number needs to rise.
Everything in me is trying to hold on to hope but my gut is telling me we won't be meeting this baby earthside. I am a wreck, emotionally, mentally and physcially. I try to keep the tears at bay and keep happy for Matt and Jeremiah but when things get quiet, that's when they fall. I feel pretty soon I will be running out of tears. I know God is at my side, holding us, holding our baby. Everything in me is trying so hard to press in to him and not be mad at him but it isn't always easy. I hate it when people say God wont give you anything you can't handle. I really don't know I can handle loosing a baby. I will update more once we get the results back on monday. All your prayer for our sweet baby are appreciated. Thank you.
This week that started out so great with celebrating Jeremiah's first birthday has ended in many, many tears, fears, and prayers.
The beginning of the week started out fine. I was having a little cramping but thought nothing of it, since cramping is normal and I experienced it with Jeremiah. However, at times it was a little painful and felt like my period was going to start. On wednesday night, I just had a feeling something in me wasn't right. I didnt feel sick but felt very anxious. I put my worries aside and said some prayers. Thursday night (last night) I was getting ready to take a shower after Jeremiah had gone to sleep. I went to the bathroom and when I wiped, there was blood on the paper. I wasn't going to say anything, because once again, bleeding can be normal early on in pregnancy. I wiped again and there was more. I started to cry. I shut the water off and came back out to Matt and lost it. He immediately had my OB/GYN paged and she called me back. She was very cold on the phone and gave us no answers, she just said to drink water and rest. So I let the lady I babysit know I wouldnt be able to watch her son in the morning and tried to rest. The tears just flowed and flowed while Matt held me.
When I woke up in the morning I was super afraid to use the restroom. When I finally did, the paper was clear. So I thought maybe last night was just a fluke. Then I was just resting and felt trickling so I went and wiped and there was more blood. At this point it was just about 8:00 am so I called my doctors office and they had to talk with my doctor and call me back. Finally around 9:30 they called back and said to come in to do some blood work and then repeat it on monday. Jeremiah woke up and so we fed him a quick breakfast and Matt took me in to get the blood drawn.
The day went by slowly. I can't pick Jeremiah up and its so hard when hes pulling on my shirt saying mama. Matt will lift him up for me so I can cuddle him. I took a short nap out of pure exhaustion and woke at 2:30 or so. I hadn't heard back so I called them. My beta number was 150 which is consistent with a 3-5 week pregnancy. Once I sat down and figured out my dates, I put myself at 5 weeks but everything online dates me at 6 weeks 3 days. So now we sit and wait for monday's results. For everything to be okay, that number needs to rise.
Everything in me is trying to hold on to hope but my gut is telling me we won't be meeting this baby earthside. I am a wreck, emotionally, mentally and physcially. I try to keep the tears at bay and keep happy for Matt and Jeremiah but when things get quiet, that's when they fall. I feel pretty soon I will be running out of tears. I know God is at my side, holding us, holding our baby. Everything in me is trying so hard to press in to him and not be mad at him but it isn't always easy. I hate it when people say God wont give you anything you can't handle. I really don't know I can handle loosing a baby. I will update more once we get the results back on monday. All your prayer for our sweet baby are appreciated. Thank you.
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