Our dear sweet baby is home with Jesus
I left off on friday night. That day and night the cramping and bleeding came and it went. In the evening, the bleeding had turned to red and we were really, really scared. I called my mom and she came up to be with Jeremiah and Matt took me into the ER. We spent a couple hours there, had a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. Everything pointed to good signs and we were sent off to go home and rest. Saturday went by so slowly. I cried off and on as the cramps were picking up and the blood was now consistently pink and red. I knew it was not a good sign. We tried holding on to every bit of hope we could.
Sunday morning we woke early, spent the morning lounging around and went off to church. That morning we sang a new song but before we did, they played a video of the writer talking about how she wrote the song. It just so happened that it was about praising God after she gave birth at 23 weeks and her baby passing away. The tears flowed and flowed and flowed some more. I knew God was already working on my heart and could feel his fatherly love embracing me. Sunday after church my mom treated us to lunch and then we parted and Matt and I did some errands with Jeremiah. Once we got home the bleeding was now taking up pads and the cramps were becoming fairly painful. Sunday night was the end.
Matt had put Jeremiah to bed and the cramping was consistent with fairly painful waves on top of that. I now know I was contracting. I took some tyelnol around 8:30pm but it just didn't do anything. I was now hunched over, rocking back in forth trying to breathe through the pain. Each contraction brought even worse pain. If I was standing, I'd have to crouch down or sit to get through it. I was scared as I could now feel the bleeding just coming out. Matt was scared because of how much pain I was in. I wanted to miscarry at home but the pain was so intense that I needed to go to the hospital. Matt called our friend Karen and she came over until my mom got there. We made it to the hospital in record time, but we also only live a couple miles from it. By the time we were got there, I was unable to talk through the contractions, and barely able to stand. I didn't want everybody to stare so I was trying not to cry and loose it. The nurse finally came and took me to triage and then back to the emergency room I went. I got changed into the gown and up on the bed. Since I had to not wear clothes, they had what they called "chucks" under me to catch all the bleeding. I was in severe pain, definitely a 10 on their scale. The doctor saw me quick and ordered me an iv for pain meds. The nurse explained that what they were giving me was equivilant to morphine but didn't last as long. She gave me half a dose and that only dulled the pain. About 10 minutes later she gave me the other half and that put me on cloud 9 and no more pain.
I was laying back, knowing that we were loosing our baby and just bleeding out. I was crying to Matt inbetween the nurse and doctor coming in. I told Matt that I knew our baby was a girl and I wanted to call her by Eden and he agreed. I kept saying how sorry I was that I couldn't hold on to Eden. I asked him if it was okay to be mad at God because I was really mad at him. I said I didn't understand why. Why us? He kept telling me that it wasn't my fault, that he didn't blame me. That I did all I could to keep her safe. That she doesn't have to feel the pain of this world. That we would get through this together. I just shook my head and cried. I calmed down for a bit and Matt and I tried to lighten our mood by talking about Jeremiah and laughing about random things. And then the doctor came in to do a pelvic exam. She told me that the tissue from the miscarriage was laying in the vaginal wall so she removed it so I wouldn't have to feel it coming the rest the way out. She then cleaned up what she could with sponges to soak up the blood and then used wet wipes to clean up the bleeding on my legs and down stairs area. She held my hand and told me that we did loose the baby. Her eyes were turning red from holding back the tears. Once she left, I was just numb as I watched the nurse clean up the table they used to set everything on. Everything was just soaked and covered. It was pretty gross and looked like something from a movie. Once the nurse was done cleaning up, she left to go get papers and the prescriptions from the doctor. As we were waiting, I was just numb, I was also pretty high from the pain meds. The nurse came in with our discharge papers and also gave me a dose of provodol to get me through the night. She removed the iv and then explained the discharge papers. After that, I was able to get dressed and I looked at the chucks and they were also just covered in red.
We left the hospital and drove silently home. I didn't have any tears left for that night. We stayed up for a little while and then made our way upstairs to go to bed. We just held each other in between tears. Sleep was really hard to come by. I would doze off and then wake up in a panic. My mom woke us up around 6:30am since Jeremiah had been awake for awhile and she needed to head to work.
Today has been slow. The cramping still hurts and I have needed the vicoden once today since ibprofen doesn't help much. Jeremiah took 3 naps today. It is the hardest once he goes to sleep since he keeps us entertained, laughing and our minds off of our pain.
We do thank all of you for your prayers, kind words and support. They do mean so much to us. Please don't be afraid to mention our baby by name. We are grieving the loss of Eden and while it hurts, it helps to say and hear her name. We have already been discussing ways to memorialize our daughter. Matt wants a tattoo, and I'm thinking of getting one for both of my children. I would like to get a J and then also get an E with wings or a halo over it. I also want to plant a tree in her memory. Our next posts will be about Jeremiah's first birthday party!
Sunday morning we woke early, spent the morning lounging around and went off to church. That morning we sang a new song but before we did, they played a video of the writer talking about how she wrote the song. It just so happened that it was about praising God after she gave birth at 23 weeks and her baby passing away. The tears flowed and flowed and flowed some more. I knew God was already working on my heart and could feel his fatherly love embracing me. Sunday after church my mom treated us to lunch and then we parted and Matt and I did some errands with Jeremiah. Once we got home the bleeding was now taking up pads and the cramps were becoming fairly painful. Sunday night was the end.
Matt had put Jeremiah to bed and the cramping was consistent with fairly painful waves on top of that. I now know I was contracting. I took some tyelnol around 8:30pm but it just didn't do anything. I was now hunched over, rocking back in forth trying to breathe through the pain. Each contraction brought even worse pain. If I was standing, I'd have to crouch down or sit to get through it. I was scared as I could now feel the bleeding just coming out. Matt was scared because of how much pain I was in. I wanted to miscarry at home but the pain was so intense that I needed to go to the hospital. Matt called our friend Karen and she came over until my mom got there. We made it to the hospital in record time, but we also only live a couple miles from it. By the time we were got there, I was unable to talk through the contractions, and barely able to stand. I didn't want everybody to stare so I was trying not to cry and loose it. The nurse finally came and took me to triage and then back to the emergency room I went. I got changed into the gown and up on the bed. Since I had to not wear clothes, they had what they called "chucks" under me to catch all the bleeding. I was in severe pain, definitely a 10 on their scale. The doctor saw me quick and ordered me an iv for pain meds. The nurse explained that what they were giving me was equivilant to morphine but didn't last as long. She gave me half a dose and that only dulled the pain. About 10 minutes later she gave me the other half and that put me on cloud 9 and no more pain.
I was laying back, knowing that we were loosing our baby and just bleeding out. I was crying to Matt inbetween the nurse and doctor coming in. I told Matt that I knew our baby was a girl and I wanted to call her by Eden and he agreed. I kept saying how sorry I was that I couldn't hold on to Eden. I asked him if it was okay to be mad at God because I was really mad at him. I said I didn't understand why. Why us? He kept telling me that it wasn't my fault, that he didn't blame me. That I did all I could to keep her safe. That she doesn't have to feel the pain of this world. That we would get through this together. I just shook my head and cried. I calmed down for a bit and Matt and I tried to lighten our mood by talking about Jeremiah and laughing about random things. And then the doctor came in to do a pelvic exam. She told me that the tissue from the miscarriage was laying in the vaginal wall so she removed it so I wouldn't have to feel it coming the rest the way out. She then cleaned up what she could with sponges to soak up the blood and then used wet wipes to clean up the bleeding on my legs and down stairs area. She held my hand and told me that we did loose the baby. Her eyes were turning red from holding back the tears. Once she left, I was just numb as I watched the nurse clean up the table they used to set everything on. Everything was just soaked and covered. It was pretty gross and looked like something from a movie. Once the nurse was done cleaning up, she left to go get papers and the prescriptions from the doctor. As we were waiting, I was just numb, I was also pretty high from the pain meds. The nurse came in with our discharge papers and also gave me a dose of provodol to get me through the night. She removed the iv and then explained the discharge papers. After that, I was able to get dressed and I looked at the chucks and they were also just covered in red.
We left the hospital and drove silently home. I didn't have any tears left for that night. We stayed up for a little while and then made our way upstairs to go to bed. We just held each other in between tears. Sleep was really hard to come by. I would doze off and then wake up in a panic. My mom woke us up around 6:30am since Jeremiah had been awake for awhile and she needed to head to work.
Today has been slow. The cramping still hurts and I have needed the vicoden once today since ibprofen doesn't help much. Jeremiah took 3 naps today. It is the hardest once he goes to sleep since he keeps us entertained, laughing and our minds off of our pain.
We do thank all of you for your prayers, kind words and support. They do mean so much to us. Please don't be afraid to mention our baby by name. We are grieving the loss of Eden and while it hurts, it helps to say and hear her name. We have already been discussing ways to memorialize our daughter. Matt wants a tattoo, and I'm thinking of getting one for both of my children. I would like to get a J and then also get an E with wings or a halo over it. I also want to plant a tree in her memory. Our next posts will be about Jeremiah's first birthday party!
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